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In For Parents The Conscious Parent Ways to Grow · February 28, 2022

Here’s Why Gentle Parenting Isn’t Working for You

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Gentle parenting is a crock of shit. I said it, but you were thinking it.

For the baby boomer generation, the fad was to deny and suppress the trauma altogether. You’ll hear your parents and grandparents say, well, you turned out fine, didn’t you?

For Millennials, it is all about admitting we have the trauma, then doing nothing about it, which I  refer to as spiritual bypassing.

Spiritual Bypassing is a form of avoiding or going around having to do the deep internal work necessary to grow. Things that fall into this category are toxic positivity, relying on psychedelics for “a moment with God,” or in the parenting realm: gentle parenting.

Listen, gentle parenting is not all bad – I am simply shedding light on how people are confusing what it is and how to utilize it.

The term “generational trauma” has become a total buzzword, and you’ll notice it all over the internet, especially with light-hearted memes and jokes referring to parenting.

Do I laugh? Absolutely. Does gentle parenting stop generational trauma? Absolutely not.

Let’s start with what gentle parenting actually is:

It is a box of tools. This box of tools is what parents can refer to when they need assistance learning how to RESPECT their child.

These techniques provided by teachers, coaches, therapists, etc., are excellent. They provide instruction, insight, and reassurance for parents ready to address their children differently because they recognize that they deserve it.

It is also the first step to recognizing in yourself (as the parent) that you experienced behaviors and patterns in your childhood that you don’t want to inflict on your child.

Here is where people start to get lost in the sauce.

While utilizing gentle parenting techniques does create space to change the narrative generationally, it does not stop the patterns from being passed on. The only way to not pass on patterning is to HEAL them in yourself, so they are not present for your children.

Let me give you an example of this.

My mother’s trauma from childhood was having an alcoholic mother, who put the responsibility on her to essentially raise her little sister. She, in turn, raised herself and others because she was not emotionally supported.

When my mother had me, she was deadset on not repeating the same mistakes. This meant she was never to drink, and she would never put the responsibility on me to care for my siblings. It is true – I did not have to experience these things.

But you know what I did experience?

A mother who meant well, but was never shown how to nurture, so she was emotionally absent my entire childhood. She focused on providing financially. Working to pay the bills and give the latest clothes and sneakers was the only way she knew how to show love.

What did this result in? I emotionally raised myself because she could not support me.

Do you see now that even with a different narrative, it was still passed down the SAME generational trauma wound?

My grandmother, my mother, and then myself as a mother were a line of women who were shown they were undeserving of love and emotional support.

Had my mother taken steps to heal herself, she would have had the capacity to show up for me differently.

This brings us back full circle – This is why gentle parenting isn’t working for you.

If you are leaning on these techniques to stop the cycle of trauma from being passed down, you are spiritually bypassing.

The only way to stop the cycle is to EMBODY healthy patterns.

Too often we put all of our energy into our children; we put them first and ourselves last.

I feel another buzzword coming on… it’s always in good company with gentle parenting and trauma – TRIGGERS.

People who have not taken steps to start their healing journey often refer to gentle parenting techniques to AVOID and SUPPRESS triggers activated by their children.

This is not parenthood. There is a reason our children mirror back our wounds; it’s, so we do something about them.

You cannot escape yourself. And when you choose to deny, push away, or avoid the pain being presented in you, you indirectly show your children they should do the same with their pain.

INACTION is still an action.

We are not meant to suffer this deeply as parents. There is a reality where your children do not trigger you.

Hard to believe, right? Mainstream media has made a killing off of telling moms that having daily meltdowns and going into psychosis is part of being a parent.

Not in my reality!

Okay, you may be wondering; Krystal, you got a point here. But how do I start my healing journey?

It’s time to get help. If healing were easy, we wouldn’t be passing down ancestral trauma like it’s our job.

The best place to start is your childhood. Take a step forward by choosing to unpack it and look for resources that help you heal your inner child.

For me, this was so amazingly presented through a grief specialist. You don’t need to lose a loved one to see one – You can mourn experiences, people, places, and even the old you.

Life coaches, spiritual coaches, general therapists, and specialized therapists (I recommend grief and PTSD-focused) are great starting points.

Make the time. Carve out an hour a week that is concrete and non-negotiable so you can dive deeper into yourself. I don’t care how much your husband works or how many dance recitals and soccer games you have this week – if you want to stop the cycle, you have to change the cycle.

All in all – gentle parenting does nothing when it stands on its own.

But gentle parenting can be truly empowering if you use it as an added support while you do your shadow work.

Think of it like peanut butter and jelly, they are enjoyable individually, but they are out of this world together.

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Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent · February 21, 2022

Talking Conscious Parenting on the Podcast Path of Me

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Tune in below to hear about all things conscious parenting – the TUM way. Here our philosophy on conscious parenting is solely focused on the path of the conscious parent, because when we heal the root of the issue that healing ripples out and alters everything else. That means that when the parent is conscious, the parenting is as a byproduct, conscious. 

I share my personal experiences with the wonderful Wendy Hutchinson, life coach and creator of Alinea Life Coaching. If you are interested in learning more about Wendy and her services,  you can find her here.

Let us know what this conversation brought up for you in the comment section!

With love,

The Unconventional Mom

 

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Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent The Nontraditional Parent · February 16, 2022

How to Co-Parent with Your Ex

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Okay, I’ll be the one to say it – co-parenting sucks.

When we bring children into the world, the last thing we want to do is make life harder for them by splitting it in half. Being a kid is already complex and confusing, and now we are asking them to be in two places constantly.

For me, this realization came so early on in my marriage, and I had to accept that my son would only know us as co-parents without knowing what it was like to have parents together.

According to the World Population Review, 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Now that we got that pity part out of the way let’s get to the silver lining of it all: Life continues, and it’s still beautiful.

Blogger Brandon Gaille shares, “1 out of every 3 Americans is either a step-parent, a step-child, or has some other form of a blended family in some way, which means almost 100 million people.”

Though most of us subconsciously carry the ideals instilled in us over centuries that marriage is for life (Seriously, what the heck Disney), blended families are actually the norm.

So why is co-parenting with an ex so difficult? Because we are still learning how to thrive in this new norm actively! as I have said many times before, humans aren’t so great with change.

Conscious parents are leading the pack here and are building pathways for others to learn how to expand their relationship with their ex-partner and allow their children to see love is possible – even in platonic circumstances.

So let’s get into the nitty-gritty. Here’s how to evolve your co-parenting dynamic from the bane of your existence to something you’ll be proud of:

  1. Accept the situation and your ex-partner

I went down a very long rabbit hole of resistance. When I separated from my husband, my son was only four months old. I wasn’t even ready to parent, let alone be a single mom. I was not willing to be okay with the fact that everything I ever imagined for myself and my kids was shattered overnight. I couldn’t bear the feeling of failure.

I spent nights almost irrationally thinking of ways not to be a single mom; I even tried to reconcile with my ex-husband or suggested dynamics that were not comfortable for him. In hindsight, these were not attempts to co-parent but attempts to hold a reality that was not real.

I had to surrender.

I cried it out, went to therapy, and wrote letters to myself and my ex-partner, so I could surrender to the life I had in front of me without resenting and without judgment on myself or him.

To create a conscious co-parenting relationship, You need a clean slate.

That means that, even if your ex-partner is a narcissist who you’d low-key like to smother at night with his pillow, you have got to let it go.

Just like any relationship, if we hold onto things from the past, we are taking away the ability to trust and create a trusting and transparent relationship moving forward.

It can be scary to do this, but sometimes the decisions that scare you are the most worthwhile ones.

  1. Reframe your perception of what co-parenting is

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but being together or separated with kids is essentially the same relationship – sans intimacy.

One of the most common things I see when two people divorce is that they create entirely independent lives and then wonder why they feel stressed when attempting to create a schedule with their co-partner. This strain also translates to the children – If you are exhausted with your co-parenting dynamic, I guarantee you so are your children.

Blended families are successful when both parents come together to create a unified life where all parties feel they are getting what they need. This can look like the following ways:

  • Considering more blended weekly schedules: Allowing a parent to do after-school duty while the other works, split weeks between each parent instead of every other.
  • Spending holidays and birthdays together
  • Scheduling miscellaneous dinners, lunches, or activities with both parents (and step-parents if everyone is in good standing)
  • Allowing your child to see the other parent if they request it, even if it’s out of your set schedule
  • Going on family trips/vacations together

Sometimes, parents don’t get along well enough to do some of these things, so also consider doing these things with family members that you do have a good relationship with, such as your partner’s parents or siblings. This keeps a sense of unity for the kids and creates a sense of safety that they never have to pick between either side of relatives.

  1. Create a system that works best for your blended family

Communication in a co-parenting relationship is crucial. You must be able to express and agree on your must-haves and deal breakers in the relationship. An example of this could be how you both decide to introduce new partners to your children.

My ex-partner and I have agreed that we are a family unit regardless of relationship status. Our weekly schedule is blended, and all holidays and birthdays are spent together. We also have spontaneous outings with the children and expect to continue when new partners are introduced because we are all (new partners included) raising these children together. Any partners that come into the mix will have to accept us as a package deal because this relationship is the foundation of our lives.

Let’s be honest – we didn’t get here overnight. It took a lot of self-work to get there. It took removing our emotions from every decision because it is always in the children’s best interest.

When you can make decisions from an objective standpoint, you’ll find that you are more on the same page than you think.

If you and your ex-partner do not have the tools to communicate effectively and are ready to take steps to get there, consider third-party assistance.

People are always willing to go to couples therapy to repair the marriage but don’t necessarily consider improving a relationship that has now evolved. Because divorce isn’t an ending when there are children, it’s a transition.

There are so many options now, from divorce coaches to co-parenting consultants, to traditional couple’s therapists – take the time to do your research and find an option that works best for your blended family.

Sometimes both parents aren’t ready to evolve to these levels – and that’s okay. All you can do is control your decisions, and maybe the only step you take today is to share this article with them so they can understand that life can be different.

It doesn’t matter how small the step; every step moves you forward – keep going.

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Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent · January 18, 2022

Why Parenting Books Could Be Setting You Up for Failure

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When I announced my pregnancy, I was generously gifted an entire stack of parenting books. Each one is different, all of them overwhelming.

The debates of breastfeeding, sleep training, and gentle parenting did laps in my brain while I massaged my sore hips at night, wondering what kind of parent I’d be.

I thought I was genuinely educating myself in a way that would make me feel confident in my abilities to raise a human.

That’s the point of parenting books, isn’t it?

Except, all they did was pack on the pressure.

We can’t become experts in something we have no experience in, so how much are these books doing for us?

For me, this sunk in as soon as the nurses in the maternity ward started to give me advice like:

“Breastfeed exactly every 2-3 hours. Never let them sleep on their stomach! Burp them with a firm hand, or they’ll get gassy.”

Suddenly, every word I stored in my memory of what to do was completely erased. I had no idea what I was doing, which wasn’t the problem – it was that I thought not knowing what to do made me a failure.

Indirectly, that sense of failure stemmed from the pressure I put on myself with parenting books. It was like I studied for months and failed the final.

This only snowballed once I got home and had no nurses in my ear. I’m not sure what’s worse for a new mom with the postpartum blues, too many peanuts in the peanut gallery, or none at all.

I decided to cling to the stern nurses’ instructions to keep a consistent feeding schedule.

Guess what – my baby didn’t like those rules. He wanted to feed on demand, a little bit now and later. Which stewed a little bit of insanity in me, and I was ready to call it quits.

To my dismay, all the parenting books, unsolicited advice, and the well-meaning nurses all convinced me I needed to follow some rules if I was going to be any good at this parenting thing.

What my journey showed me was the opposite – every time I tried to uphold a strict method with my son, he reminded me he doesn’t play by society’s standards.

Have you noticed how much control is instilled in the parenting materials in mainstream media?

These books and programs sell because parents are so scared of not knowing what to do, they end up over-controlling every aspect of their lives.

So, what’s the alternative if we aren’t dipping into self-help?

The answer is: Follow your gut.

That’s right; it’s that simple – you, as a mama, have hidden knowledge in you that is waiting to be tapped into, and it will always override what you find in a book.

I was only able to conquer every obstacle I faced as a mother when I kicked into my instincts and threw out everything else.

When my son had a lip and tongue tie, and my pediatrician told me it would go away, I knew deep down that wasn’t right. I needed to reach out to a specialist. It turns out the ties were severe enough for surgery, and my doctor advised that had I not gone this route, he would have needed speech therapy.

When he preferred to feed on demand because his latch was not secure, I decided to lean in to not having a feeding schedule and let him feed whenever he indicated he was hungry. He would have lost weight from not getting sufficient amounts of breastmilk if I had not done this.

Over time, I slowly let go of everything I was insisting I needed to do as a parent because holding on to the weight was breaking my hand.

Each time I decided I didn’t need to follow the rules, the easier life got. I became more present in my interactions with my son. To my surprise, I was so wound up trying to figure out the right way to parent; I wasn’t even consciously experiencing being a parent.

As a vegan for three years, it was a big decision to allow my son to eat an Omni (traditional, for the less trendy) diet. As silly as it may sound, I was sick about it – I, again, felt I was a failure at creating healthy eating habits.

This is when I could finally identify what I was doing – and that was that I was making peace a priority in my life.

In a world full of people and programs and businesses telling you how to live your life, I wasn’t encountering a lot of parents doing this.

It was no longer this or that from the melting pot; it was very simply a matter of whatever option made me feel the best. Anything that gives me more time in my day, more energy, or more peace of mind is my choice, no questions asked.

If I didn’t decide to take the beaten path and to create my lane of conscious parenting, I would still be crippled with fear, shackled in control. My son would have had been deprived of a free-thinking mom.

There is no such thing as being ready – you’re ready when you decide to be.

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Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent Ways to Grow · January 18, 2022

Parents Guide: Creating Inner Peace in Your Daily Life

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Read Time:5 Minute, 32 Second

If you’re a parent, chances are you are eating cold meals, skipping showers, and drinking large cups of coffee throughout the day. Family members and friends alike will tell you, “You need some self-care. Take some time for yourself!”

Easier said than done, right?

The reality is, some of us don’t have the support or ability to take large stretches away from our kids. Whether that’s lack of physical or financial support or you’re simply not ready to be away from your breastfeeding babe yet.

So how do you get a little bit more of the old you back, the identity that’s been on hiatus while you navigate parenthood, without leaving all your responsibilities on the back burner?

As a single mother with minimal support, I learned that peace comes in small increments, moments that were intentionally curated just for me. Now, this might sound like it won’t be enough to recover from an exhausting week, but the key here is to have these small increments frequently, so by the end of the week, you feel like you’ve taken accountability for your well-being as a person, not just as a mama.

Here are some ways you can incorporate small weekly wins so you feel more balanced, less drained, and more emotionally available for your loved ones:

Create a Morning Ritual

I don’t know about you but waking up to a screaming toddler and rolling out of bed before I have fully woken up from REM state is far from a peaceful start to my day. When we create a morning routine that allows us to center ourselves and mentally prepare for the day, we handle the day, regardless of how it goes, with much more grace. If you start your day in the sense of chaos or lack of control, that is the perception in which you are now experiencing the rest of your day. If you have kids that wake up early with guns blazing, wake up earlier. Even just setting your alarm thirty minutes before your kid’s typical wake time allows you to use the bathroom (a true luxury when you have small children) enjoy a hot cup of coffee and a morning stretch. If waking up earlier isn’t feasible for you, try incorporating some quiet time by suggesting activities that will occupy your little ones. Once my son was more self-sufficient, I started with a quick breakfast (sometimes I’d even meal prep breakfast) then set him up with his favorite show. This hack gives me time to make my coffee and do whatever I need to do to feel mentally prepared for the day.

When I was still working 9-5, I didn’t have any time to take a moment to myself. My turnaround time was just too tight, and so it was an organized circus until I got to my office. So I decided to get to work a little bit earlier (even if that means my morning window is a little tighter), and I would sit in my office with breakfast and a hot coffee that I packed and enjoyed in silence. Sometimes I’d read an article or casually go through emails. Even though those thirty minutes of quiet time came after a hectic morning, it recalibrated me for the day and shifted the tense energy I was carrying when I got to work.

Give Yourself One Hour to Do Nothing

I know what you’re thinking here; isn’t this counterintuitive? Hear me out. As parents, we are wired to constantly be moving and continuously multitask. When we do have some downtime, we usually plop on the couch with a nice glass of cabernet, but this, too, keeps us away from filling our tank. Does getting time to watch my favorite shows bring me joy? Absolutely. However, this is still providing a sense of constant stimulation, so you’ll notice that even when you do get to binge tv and lounge, it’s just simply not filling your tank.

Instead, try to schedule at least one hour a week (I recommend one hour a day if possible) where you take the time that allows you to just be, in whatever form is best for you. After my kids are in bed, take a hot bath and journal or paint for an hour. This provides some stillness in my life that I typically wouldn’t get if I didn’t prioritize it.

Here’s why it’s important to experience stillness: You need to mute the noise to hear yourself. In this hour of painting or journaling, I can into what’s going on inside emotionally, what I need at this moment, what stress I need to release.

Even if you can only do this once a week, I promise you that in a month’s time, you will feel more grounded, connected, and present. When we feel seen and cared for, we can show up much more authentically in our relationships. The only way we can fill these voids is by showing up for ourselves first.

Plan A Night Out At Least Once a Month

Once kids and marriage come into the picture, our friendships evolve. Planning gets difficult; communication turns inconsistent – Life just happens. As a new parent, I needed to hear that it’s okay to prioritize friend time.

I noticed that once I stopped being afraid of taking some girl time instead of mom duties, I was much more equipped to come home and be the best parent for my children.

Monthly planning, among even the busiest friends, is also very doable. It gives everyone ample time to move around schedules, find babysitters and take time off if necessary. That way, even if your group text chain has gone dry, you know you’ll catch up at lunch in two weeks. This type of quality time with those who are not your children or significant other also strengthens the independence on both ends – you learn it’s okay to do things for yourself, and your family learns it’s healthy to be away from you.

An amazing byproduct of all this is: You’re leading by example.

When it comes time for your children to become more independent and make decisions for themselves, their natural wiring will be to prioritize themselves. As a child who was trained to put others before me, can you understand the power of that knowledge? This provides a new tool in their arsenal to help them not just survive but thrive as adults.

When you create peace in your life, you are showing your children to lead a life of peace.

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Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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“A Butterfly In Passing,” by me 😉 “A Butterfly In Passing,” by me 😉
For some people family comes first, but not everyo For some people family comes first, but not everyone. Sometimes family is abusive. Sometimes they’re are toxic, or sometimes they simply don’t choose us. You are not obligated to put people first that hurt you or are bad for your mental health. Let’s normalize putting people first who make us feel safe - and that includes ourselves. Choose yourself by creating safe space for yourself, first, and then prioritize your relationships with that in mind- you’re worth it 💖

Follow for more @the_u_mom ✨
For some people family comes first, but not everyo For some people family comes first, but not everyone. Sometimes family is abusive. Sometimes they’re are toxic, or sometimes they simply don’t choose us. You are not obligated to put people first that hurt you or are bad for your mental health. Let’s normalize putting people first who make us feel safe - and that includes ourselves. Choose yourself by creating safe space for yourself, first, and then prioritize your relationships with that in mind- you’re worth it 💖

-The Unconventional Mom✨
I think everyone, at some point in their life, rom I think everyone, at some point in their life, romantic or platonic, has experienced this. We have had fathers leave us as young children, and mothers who are right in front of us but have mentally checked out. We’ve fallen in love with people who decided they didn’t love us back or had siblings that we poured our love into and it has never been reciprocated.

Let’s talk about why — link in bio!

- The Unconventional Mom✨
Felt called to share this one ✨❤️‍🔥 Felt called to share this one ✨❤️‍🔥
Yep — I’m talking to you!! My people who gras Yep — I’m talking to you!!

My people who grasp onto to daily schedules and goals and value self discipline, I am talking to you.

Let’s dive in to what it actually means to push yourself, and how you can shift that to a more aligned experience.

Click the link in our bio, or find the article in our “Article” highlight!

-The Unconventional Mom✨
Kids decide how they see themselves based on what Kids decide how they see themselves based on what they are seeing and experiencing in their family dynamics.

I love the videos of parents having their kids do affirmations in the mirror, but how many parents are actually doing them daily on their own? This is what your kids are actually absorbing.

We put so much focus on “teaching” our kids directly when the way they learn is by watching.

Instead focus on loving YOURSELF, so your child witnesses what it looks like to love yourself and choose yourself. What it looks like to have self love and empathy.

Talk about how you feel in front of your kids, like how grateful you are for tonight’s dinner and how much you love pasta.

Look at your curves and rolls in the mirror while you’re getting ready and say out loud in front of your kids and tell them how much you love your body and your outfit.

Show your kids how you work to better yourself everyday, and this will be your child’s natural instinct.

They will naturally do all these things with no direct lesson from you.

EMBODY the person you want your child to be.

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Life is LONG when you choose to fully live in the Life is LONG when you choose to fully live in the PRESENT moment. When you relish in the seconds, time does something magical- it stretches and contracts. 

In this space you’ll see that life isn’t short, no in fact it gives you the time to be all the people you want to be.

I’m in my early 30s and I can tell you I have loved many lifetimes.

One where I travelled the world with friends in college.

Another where I worked in corporate, and another when I lost it all.

We are always putting pressure on ourselves to “get it right” but is there such a thing?

Live for who you want to be right NOW and you’ll see what you mean about time 💜🙃

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