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In For Parents The Conscious Parent Ways to Grow ·

Why Do I Self-Sabotage?

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Read Time:5 Minute, 56 Second

In this series, we will be covering common triggers that emerge in a parent/child dynamic and what those triggers are actually revealing so parents can take steps to heal the associated wounds.

What is a trigger? By definition, it is simply the CAUSE before effect. Just like stress can trigger a rash, your child can trigger an emotional response from you.

Now, if we stick to the stress rash analogy, we know that stress isn’t the root of the issue; something also triggered the stress. Let’s say you’re late completing a project at work, which has caused your stress levels to spike, resulting in a rash.

Most people would conclude that if you simply plan better with work projects, it will reduce your stress and therefore cure the rash.

But guess what, the next project comes, and the rash returns. This is because the ROOT pattern has not been addressed, and this is often a band-aid tactic we use when we learn our triggers.

You may be great at identifying your wounds, but it keeps you on a hamster wheel of trauma if you can’t heal them.

In part three of this series, we address the root pattern of Self Sabotage.

 

It is programming that holds hands with unworthiness. However, how it affects our relationships is a little bit different.

Self-sabotage is the act of self-torture or self-inflicted punishment. 

It means you are the abuser and the abused.

 

Because we are playing both roles in this tango dance, it can cause a sense of whiplash or rollercoaster movement in all of your relationships. One moment you are flying high, perhaps a lovely gift enters your life, and yes, you enjoy it for a little while, and then the panic sets in, and well, that’s your cue to flip from roles. 

Suddenly, you are doing everything in your power to destroy the blessing you had been given, even if that means obliterating everyone in the way.

Let’s breakdown the evolution that happens when we start in one role and end in the other:

The first reaction, which is the base of all trauma, is fear. When it comes to self-sabotage, this sense of fear is slow-burning; it’s not immediate fire alarms going off, but more like the low battery sound beeping every ten minutes until you do something about it.

When this caution sign goes up, ego takes full advantage and starts to create it’s perfectly chaotic narrative, that this slow burn gives time to lock-in. Perhaps the gift that entered was a partnership, and your ego’s narrative is that they are not up to par with you. You then lock-in

to the perception that dating this person would be a disservice to you, and maybe even to them, and then you devise a plan of action on how you will “exercise your voice,” which really means how you will shut them out.

This stage is vital because, without using discernment, it’s quite easy for you to slide into sabotaging, which is a point where it’s much harder to turn around. If you are someone who deeply identifies with self-sabotage programming, I implore you to stop here. Consider the narrative that the mind is creating and why you’ve decided at this point that there needs to be an immediate halt. 

Whether or not the partner is indeed a match, see it through. Why? Because that’s how you learn the lesson.

 

You are not saving yourself from anything when you stop a lesson halfway through; this is why self-sabotage is so cyclical, because you stop halfway, run back to the starting line, and start again, repeatedly.

So if you’ve gotten this far, the first step is to lean into the red flags and see what’s at the finish line. You have the free will to run the race again.

 

For this chronological breakdown, we’ll say you decided to jump ship, which means you have reached a decision to sabotage, or what I like to refer to as severing the potential timeline.

Mmmm. Let’s say that one again – sabotage is a severing of a potential timeline- the one where you learned the lesson.

Now, this can look a variety of different ways, depending on your survival mechanisms:

  • Acting out, so the other person backs away instead of you
  • Claim that you are advocating for yourself and it is a boundary decision
  • Completely shutting down and shutting them out (ghosting, blocking)

How it could look in a parent/child dynamic:

  • Extreme Mom guilt
  • Choosing to spend less time with your child(ren), claiming it’s for your mental health but really a form of escape
  • Choosing to be SAHM when you don’t want to be

After successfully severing your potential timeline, it means you have diverted and therefore forged another path – and this one is longer and more complex. This is the stage where guilt and depression set in – you feel the consequences of that severing, and your soul has recognized that you have decided on a longer path to the lesson. Of course, these feelings at the moment appear more surface-level; you convince yourself that your decision was in your best interest, blah blah blah. But at the core – this is really the root of your depression and disappointment- the setting in that you are your own abuser.

At the end of this plummeting dive down the sad and resentful rabbit hole, you decide there’s no going back now, and you must protect and respect the decision you’ve chosen. You pick your head up and move on, only to prepare yourself to do it all over again.

Sound familiar?

What Self Sabotage can feel like in the body:

  • Fatigue
  • Brain fog
  • Headaches
  • Scattered thoughts/body movement
  • Use of addictives remedies (herbal, drugs, and alcohol)

Now that you’ve bared the brunt of this beating, it’s time to give you a warm hug. I am here to tell you that you can stop this – you can stop escaping what could be, and that’s by accepting what is.

Accept it all – even when there is fear present, we move forward anyway. 

Let go of your loyalty and commitment to the word failure – failure is not a destination, and you cannot be dumped there.

It’s time to stop playing both roles in the tango dance; you are so tired. Trust in the process and allow yourself to be led by your God-self. Let the divine take the wheel and enjoy the dance.

Take a deep breath, and affirm the following mantra with me:

I am ready to release control

I understand that the only way out is through

I am strong enough to face my darkness

Because my light will outshine my old views

If you enjoyed part three of this series, please stay tuned for the five more installments. To stay up to date on our articles, subscribe here to receive our weekly round-up.

 

About Post Author

Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent ·

Parent Trigger Series: Perfectionism

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Read Time:6 Minute, 43 Second

In this series, we will be covering common triggers that emerge in a parent/child dynamic and what those triggers are actually revealing so parents can take steps to heal the associated wounds.

What is a trigger? By definition, it is simply the CAUSE before effect. Just like stress can trigger a rash, your child can trigger an emotional response from you.

Now, if we stick to the stress rash analogy, we know that stress isn’t the root of the issue; something also triggered the stress. Let’s say you’re late completing a project at work, which has caused your stress levels to spike, resulting in a rash.

Most people would conclude that if you simply plan better with work projects, it will reduce your stress and therefore cure the rash.

But guess what, the next project comes, and the rash returns. This is because the ROOT pattern has not been addressed, and this is often a band-aid tactic we use when we learn our triggers.

You may be great at identifying your wounds, but it keeps you on a hamster wheel of trauma if you can’t heal them.

In part two of this series, we address the root pattern of perfectionism.

 

First, let’s talk about the depth and complexities of perfectionist conditioning. By definition, it is the refusal of any standard below perfection. Perfectionists are raised with strict parameters and shown that only success, happiness, and power can come when you reach these thresholds.

When we think of people with this wound, we assume that it’s because they were raised by controlling parents, and yes, that’s true – but what we need to understand is that this is conditioning that spans back to ancient dynasties.

This programming was created when people were groomed to take over the throne and lead military forces. It meant to be thrusted onto a pedestal even when you did not ask for it and told that this is your destiny. If you think this is your first and only life, think again.

Even if you do not have parents with this conditioning, you could be someone who enforces it on themselves, and you always wondered why. It’s because we bring karma with us into each life until we heal the wound and rewire. We can go countless lives learning the same lesson.

When I used to do past life regression readings, I would always present a life first without the client sharing any information about themselves. I would explain their life, who they were, and the main life lesson they were struggling with in that life. Without a doubt, every single time, they said to me, “That sounds like me right now.”

But it is not your destiny to suffer – this is not your mission – do you understand?

Another thing to correlate here is that perfectionists equate anything outside of

their preconceived notions to be a failure,  which means at the core,

perfectionists are deathly afraid of failing.

 

How this wound can be triggered by interactions with our child(ren):

  • When you can’t get your child to eat a balanced diet
  • When your kid is “delayed” in milestones
  • When your child has a meltdown in public spaces

Emotions (effect) that can emerge from these triggers are:

  • Mom guilt
  • Shame
  • Frustration
  • Anxious
  • On edge (tenseness in the body)

Perfectionism can also be a mild form known as the tendency to “over structure,” which means everything has a specific process and an exact formula. Anything less than these practices is not acceptable. When I became a mom for the first time, every process, belief, and plan was shattered.

One of the most prominent areas in which my perfectionist/over structure pattern was triggered was my journey with breastfeeding. My son had a lip tie and tongue tie, making it almost impossible to breastfeed. I also was vegan and refused to give my son formula.

After two months of excruciating pain from feeding him anyway and a surgery that resolved the problem, I was then slapped in the face with a divorce, and as all mamas know, stress means plummeting breastmilk production.

And still, I fought kicking and screaming to make it work – but perfectionism conditioning convinces you that you are standing true to your values and being strong and courageous in those efforts, but you’re actually just resisting.

Resistance is an addiction to suffering. I will say that again – Resistance is an addiction to suffering.

Because I was being faced with letting go over and over again, I had no choice but to listen, and here are a few things I learned along the way that helped me heal and rewire this pattering:

Failure is necessary in order to master something.

 

A big part of releasing healing this wound is recognizing it for what it is, and that means redefining the word failure.

Instead of associating failure with giving up, with not being successful in your endeavors, why aren’t they lessons that are necessary to grow?

When I screw up a recipe, I go for it again, and the end product is even better than I could have imagined because I learned so much during the process.

Failure is part of the journey; it’s being human. It’s saying “You know what, this is not working for me, and I need to let go here.” It’s to accept every choice you make, including the one made in perfectionism and the one that cuts the cycle.

Instead of punishing yourself, nurture yourself. Fill your cup instead of judging yourself for letting it empty.

It doesn’t matter how you get there, as long as you do.

 

Another big AHA moment for me – there is no right or wrong way to do something. Ever. The very idea that there are countless ways to achieve something alone created a physical expansion in my chest. It released a constriction of breathing caused by the pressure I felt to squeeze through a tight alleyway and I finally noticed there are entire streets that lead me to the same point.

Your child is likely already showing you this because they know – our children are advanced souls. You will presume that they are rebellious or challenging, but what they are really doing you is grabbing your face with two hands and saying there is more than one way, open your eyes.

You can pivot anytime.

 

Ego can be a pest- and it thrives off of pride.

Sometimes, we feel too much dignity to change our minds, even when we have learned new information that changes our perception. There’s this level of flesh that gets revealed when we need to OWN a pivot, and that’s scary to some.

That fear presents itself as pride, which is a defense mechanism. It tells the world, “This is what I have always believed, it’s who I am.”  When your heart is yearning to say, “This is what I believed with the information that I had, and I am ready to shed this perception because a new one has presented itself, and it aligns with who I am now.”

But in order to own your pivot, you also need to release the concept that you’re “quitting” something. There is no such thing. You either want to do it, or you don’t, and no linear time commitment will change that.

It’s time to cure your addiction to suffering, own your pivot, happily quit, and proudly tell people, “I’ve changed.”

If you’ve gotten this far and are feeling a lot come up for you, I invite you to use the following mantra:

I am ready to open the birdcage
I understand that I can fly
I am not required to return
Because my wings are for the sky

If you enjoyed part two of this series, please stay tuned for the six more installments. To stay up to date on our articles, subscribe here to receive our weekly round-up.

 

 

 

About Post Author

Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent ·

Parent Trigger Series: Unworthiness  

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Read Time:5 Minute, 23 Second

In this series, we will be covering common triggers that emerge in a parent/child dynamic, and what those triggers are actually revealing so parents can take steps to heal the associated wounds.

What is a trigger? By definition, it is simply the CAUSE before effect. Just like stress can trigger a rash, your child can trigger an emotional response from you.

Now if we stick to the stress rash analogy, we know that stress isn’t the root of the issue. Something also triggered the stress. Let’s say you’re late completing a project at work and this has caused your stress levels to spike, resulting in a rash.

Most people would conclude that if you simply plan better with work projects, it will reduce your stress and therefore cure the rash.

But guess what, the next project comes, and the rash returns. This is because the ROOT pattern has not been addressed, and this is often a band-aid tactic we use when we learn our triggers.

You may be great at identifying your wounds but if you can’t heal them, it keeps you on a hamster wheel of trauma.

In part one of this series, we are addressing the root pattern of unworthiness.

 

First, let’s talk about some of the ways your child can trigger this wound:

  • Your child says hurtful things or tells you they prefer the other parent/parent figure
  • Your child throws a tantrum or acts out
  • Your child asks for physical affection more than you’re comfortable with

Emotions (effect) that can emerge from these triggers are:

  • Guilt
  • Sadness
  • Anger
  • Shame
  • A feeling of overwhelm
  • A feeling of claustrophobia within your body

When my oldest son would get upset with me, he would tell me he wished he lived with his other parent. If I set a rule he didn’t like, he ‘d say I was mean. I would toss all night as I spiraled with the emotions that were stirred up, and that unleashed a flood of thoughts like, “I’m not a good mom,” and “Maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

I’d vent to friends, family and my therapist and all they would tell me to do is simply stop taking it so personally. I spent years trying to do this, and it didn’t work, because it wasn’t his words that were the issue, it was what his words were reflecting back to me: I feel I am unworthy.

This is the focal point we need to keep our attention on – it’s not about what my son said to me, it’s not about how I decide to respond, it’s in how those words cause an uproar of pain inside of me to rise to the surface. Depending on your survival mechanisms, your emotional and physical response can vary as shown above, but the root is still the same: unworthiness.

Now let’s string it all together:

My son shared hurtful words, and I experienced guilt, overwhelm, and sadness, which translated in my body as stress and nausea. So why do these words tell me I’m unworthy?

It’s because these words signaled to my psyche that I did not have the capacity to be a good parent and that I did not have the capacity to love him in the way he needed to be.

What this really means, is my parents did not have the capacity to love me in the way that I needed to be loved. Because my emotional needs were not met, my only way to survive was to convince myself that I didn’t need love.

This is where my foundation of love was created- in the perception that I don’t need love, which prohibited me from loving myself in the way that I needed. This resulted in a lifelong external search for that love, not knowing that no one could fill that hole except me.

Feeling unworthy of love can reveal itself in a wide range of coping mechanisms such as hyper-independence, self-sabotage, addiction, and being “low maintenance” or “easy-going.”

But wait a minute, I’m a damn good parent. In fact, in the moments he expressed himself this way, I was nothing but a loving parent, so why does this trigger me still?

Because a trigger isn’t an opportunity for you to pivot the way you parent, it’s the opportunity to parent yourself.

 

This moment is where you look in the mirror and acknowledge the times in your life when you deprived yourself of love or when you shielded yourself when your needs weren’t met. Allow specific memories to come up. Hug those versions of yourself, and let them know that they served their purpose to get you here, but they are safe now. They can lean into the warm embrace instead of being strong, they can finally release the tension in their body and not feel like a burden for it.

And as you take the time to do this every time this trigger in this occurs, you’ll create more room to respond to your child with love instead of pain. Because even when we are able to mask our feelings with loving words, our children are still watching, and they are witnessing the pain and your resistance to that pain.

When you stop suppressing the wounds being identified you’ll reach an awareness that their emotions at that moment are not yours, and you will then be able to hold space for them.

But not until you hold space for yourself first.

The beauty of this work is that it does not only benefit your parent-child relationship but all relationships and circumstances in which this wound is triggered.

In adult dynamics, unworthiness can look like:

  • Not speaking up/saying how you truly feel
  • entering romantic relationships with partners who are emotionally unavailable
  • pursuing careers and positions that are out of alignment with passions

If you’ve gotten this far and are feeling a lot come up for you, I invite you to use the following mantra:

All the love I’ve ever searched for I already possess
I open my heart and allow the ocean of love of that I am to pour in
My heart will stay open
My tides will roam free

If you enjoyed part one of this series, please stay tuned for the seven more installments. To stay up to date on our articles, subscribe here to receive our weekly round-up.

 

 

 

 

About Post Author

Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent Ways to Grow ·

Here’s Why Gentle Parenting Isn’t Working for You

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Read Time:5 Minute, 4 Second

Gentle parenting is a crock of shit. I said it, but you were thinking it.

For the baby boomer generation, the fad was to deny and suppress the trauma altogether. You’ll hear your parents and grandparents say, well, you turned out fine, didn’t you?

For Millennials, it is all about admitting we have the trauma, then doing nothing about it, which I  refer to as spiritual bypassing.

Spiritual Bypassing is a form of avoiding or going around having to do the deep internal work necessary to grow. Things that fall into this category are toxic positivity, relying on psychedelics for “a moment with God,” or in the parenting realm: gentle parenting.

Listen, gentle parenting is not all bad – I am simply shedding light on how people are confusing what it is and how to utilize it.

The term “generational trauma” has become a total buzzword, and you’ll notice it all over the internet, especially with light-hearted memes and jokes referring to parenting.

Do I laugh? Absolutely. Does gentle parenting stop generational trauma? Absolutely not.

Let’s start with what gentle parenting actually is:

It is a box of tools. This box of tools is what parents can refer to when they need assistance learning how to RESPECT their child.

These techniques provided by teachers, coaches, therapists, etc., are excellent. They provide instruction, insight, and reassurance for parents ready to address their children differently because they recognize that they deserve it.

It is also the first step to recognizing in yourself (as the parent) that you experienced behaviors and patterns in your childhood that you don’t want to inflict on your child.

Here is where people start to get lost in the sauce.

While utilizing gentle parenting techniques does create space to change the narrative generationally, it does not stop the patterns from being passed on. The only way to not pass on patterning is to HEAL them in yourself, so they are not present for your children.

Let me give you an example of this.

My mother’s trauma from childhood was having an alcoholic mother, who put the responsibility on her to essentially raise her little sister. She, in turn, raised herself and others because she was not emotionally supported.

When my mother had me, she was deadset on not repeating the same mistakes. This meant she was never to drink, and she would never put the responsibility on me to care for my siblings. It is true – I did not have to experience these things.

But you know what I did experience?

A mother who meant well, but was never shown how to nurture, so she was emotionally absent my entire childhood. She focused on providing financially. Working to pay the bills and give the latest clothes and sneakers was the only way she knew how to show love.

What did this result in? I emotionally raised myself because she could not support me.

Do you see now that even with a different narrative, it was still passed down the SAME generational trauma wound?

My grandmother, my mother, and then myself as a mother were a line of women who were shown they were undeserving of love and emotional support.

Had my mother taken steps to heal herself, she would have had the capacity to show up for me differently.

This brings us back full circle – This is why gentle parenting isn’t working for you.

If you are leaning on these techniques to stop the cycle of trauma from being passed down, you are spiritually bypassing.

The only way to stop the cycle is to EMBODY healthy patterns.

Too often we put all of our energy into our children; we put them first and ourselves last.

I feel another buzzword coming on… it’s always in good company with gentle parenting and trauma – TRIGGERS.

People who have not taken steps to start their healing journey often refer to gentle parenting techniques to AVOID and SUPPRESS triggers activated by their children.

This is not parenthood. There is a reason our children mirror back our wounds; it’s, so we do something about them.

You cannot escape yourself. And when you choose to deny, push away, or avoid the pain being presented in you, you indirectly show your children they should do the same with their pain.

INACTION is still an action.

We are not meant to suffer this deeply as parents. There is a reality where your children do not trigger you.

Hard to believe, right? Mainstream media has made a killing off of telling moms that having daily meltdowns and going into psychosis is part of being a parent.

Not in my reality!

Okay, you may be wondering; Krystal, you got a point here. But how do I start my healing journey?

It’s time to get help. If healing were easy, we wouldn’t be passing down ancestral trauma like it’s our job.

The best place to start is your childhood. Take a step forward by choosing to unpack it and look for resources that help you heal your inner child.

For me, this was so amazingly presented through a grief specialist. You don’t need to lose a loved one to see one – You can mourn experiences, people, places, and even the old you.

Life coaches, spiritual coaches, general therapists, and specialized therapists (I recommend grief and PTSD-focused) are great starting points.

Make the time. Carve out an hour a week that is concrete and non-negotiable so you can dive deeper into yourself. I don’t care how much your husband works or how many dance recitals and soccer games you have this week – if you want to stop the cycle, you have to change the cycle.

All in all – gentle parenting does nothing when it stands on its own.

But gentle parenting can be truly empowering if you use it as an added support while you do your shadow work.

Think of it like peanut butter and jelly, they are enjoyable individually, but they are out of this world together.

About Post Author

Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent ·

Talking Conscious Parenting on the Podcast Path of Me

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Read Time:37 Second

Tune in below to hear about all things conscious parenting – the TUM way. Here our philosophy on conscious parenting is solely focused on the path of the conscious parent, because when we heal the root of the issue that healing ripples out and alters everything else. That means that when the parent is conscious, the parenting is as a byproduct, conscious. 

I share my personal experiences with the wonderful Wendy Hutchinson, life coach and creator of Alinea Life Coaching. If you are interested in learning more about Wendy and her services,  you can find her here.

Let us know what this conversation brought up for you in the comment section!

With love,

The Unconventional Mom

 

About Post Author

Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent The Nontraditional Parent ·

How to Co-Parent with Your Ex

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Read Time:5 Minute, 56 Second

Okay, I’ll be the one to say it – co-parenting sucks.

When we bring children into the world, the last thing we want to do is make life harder for them by splitting it in half. Being a kid is already complex and confusing, and now we are asking them to be in two places constantly.

For me, this realization came so early on in my marriage, and I had to accept that my son would only know us as co-parents without knowing what it was like to have parents together.

According to the World Population Review, 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Now that we got that pity part out of the way let’s get to the silver lining of it all: Life continues, and it’s still beautiful.

Blogger Brandon Gaille shares, “1 out of every 3 Americans is either a step-parent, a step-child, or has some other form of a blended family in some way, which means almost 100 million people.”

Though most of us subconsciously carry the ideals instilled in us over centuries that marriage is for life (Seriously, what the heck Disney), blended families are actually the norm.

So why is co-parenting with an ex so difficult? Because we are still learning how to thrive in this new norm actively! as I have said many times before, humans aren’t so great with change.

Conscious parents are leading the pack here and are building pathways for others to learn how to expand their relationship with their ex-partner and allow their children to see love is possible – even in platonic circumstances.

So let’s get into the nitty-gritty. Here’s how to evolve your co-parenting dynamic from the bane of your existence to something you’ll be proud of:

  1. Accept the situation and your ex-partner

I went down a very long rabbit hole of resistance. When I separated from my husband, my son was only four months old. I wasn’t even ready to parent, let alone be a single mom. I was not willing to be okay with the fact that everything I ever imagined for myself and my kids was shattered overnight. I couldn’t bear the feeling of failure.

I spent nights almost irrationally thinking of ways not to be a single mom; I even tried to reconcile with my ex-husband or suggested dynamics that were not comfortable for him. In hindsight, these were not attempts to co-parent but attempts to hold a reality that was not real.

I had to surrender.

I cried it out, went to therapy, and wrote letters to myself and my ex-partner, so I could surrender to the life I had in front of me without resenting and without judgment on myself or him.

To create a conscious co-parenting relationship, You need a clean slate.

That means that, even if your ex-partner is a narcissist who you’d low-key like to smother at night with his pillow, you have got to let it go.

Just like any relationship, if we hold onto things from the past, we are taking away the ability to trust and create a trusting and transparent relationship moving forward.

It can be scary to do this, but sometimes the decisions that scare you are the most worthwhile ones.

  1. Reframe your perception of what co-parenting is

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but being together or separated with kids is essentially the same relationship – sans intimacy.

One of the most common things I see when two people divorce is that they create entirely independent lives and then wonder why they feel stressed when attempting to create a schedule with their co-partner. This strain also translates to the children – If you are exhausted with your co-parenting dynamic, I guarantee you so are your children.

Blended families are successful when both parents come together to create a unified life where all parties feel they are getting what they need. This can look like the following ways:

  • Considering more blended weekly schedules: Allowing a parent to do after-school duty while the other works, split weeks between each parent instead of every other.
  • Spending holidays and birthdays together
  • Scheduling miscellaneous dinners, lunches, or activities with both parents (and step-parents if everyone is in good standing)
  • Allowing your child to see the other parent if they request it, even if it’s out of your set schedule
  • Going on family trips/vacations together

Sometimes, parents don’t get along well enough to do some of these things, so also consider doing these things with family members that you do have a good relationship with, such as your partner’s parents or siblings. This keeps a sense of unity for the kids and creates a sense of safety that they never have to pick between either side of relatives.

  1. Create a system that works best for your blended family

Communication in a co-parenting relationship is crucial. You must be able to express and agree on your must-haves and deal breakers in the relationship. An example of this could be how you both decide to introduce new partners to your children.

My ex-partner and I have agreed that we are a family unit regardless of relationship status. Our weekly schedule is blended, and all holidays and birthdays are spent together. We also have spontaneous outings with the children and expect to continue when new partners are introduced because we are all (new partners included) raising these children together. Any partners that come into the mix will have to accept us as a package deal because this relationship is the foundation of our lives.

Let’s be honest – we didn’t get here overnight. It took a lot of self-work to get there. It took removing our emotions from every decision because it is always in the children’s best interest.

When you can make decisions from an objective standpoint, you’ll find that you are more on the same page than you think.

If you and your ex-partner do not have the tools to communicate effectively and are ready to take steps to get there, consider third-party assistance.

People are always willing to go to couples therapy to repair the marriage but don’t necessarily consider improving a relationship that has now evolved. Because divorce isn’t an ending when there are children, it’s a transition.

There are so many options now, from divorce coaches to co-parenting consultants, to traditional couple’s therapists – take the time to do your research and find an option that works best for your blended family.

Sometimes both parents aren’t ready to evolve to these levels – and that’s okay. All you can do is control your decisions, and maybe the only step you take today is to share this article with them so they can understand that life can be different.

It doesn’t matter how small the step; every step moves you forward – keep going.

About Post Author

Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
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