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In For Parents The Co-Parent The Conscious Parent The Nontraditional Parent · June 13, 2022

I Don’t Push Myself Anymore – Here’s Why

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Read Time:6 Minute, 29 Second

When I first started to wake up, or open my eyes to realize there was something bigger than myself and the life I was living, I took various roads to explore that. 

One of those paths was the professional development route, learning the power of affirmations and the law of attraction. I learned how to manifest, and how to structure my daily routines in a way that would set me up for success.

This path led to a natural segue into spirituality, which felt more aligned once I was given the foundations of personal development. As I moved out of all these pre-paved timelines and chose a life of sovereignty, I had to reevaluate all of the things I had learned WHILE I was growing.

I think a lot of the time when we have chosen a path of growth, we only compare ourselves from where we are to the person we were before we woke up – and we forget that we need to also challenge the versions in between that. 

You can be held back by the more healed versions of yourself. 

 

What I mean by that is;  We need to let go of good things, to make room for great things.

Free will is a bitch.

One of those conditionings is the concept of pushing ourselves. In other words, the human need for us to “challenge” ourselves, and constantly push the boundaries.

Yes, this conditioning got you out of the stagnant pool of energy you were in before working on yourself, but this is because it is actually a survival mechanism, not a lifestyle.

I see a lot of people in the healing community who hold on tight to this one, and it’s keeping them from expanding past their own perception of sovereignty.

I am not telling you to lose all desire to be better, in fact, quite the opposite – I am asking you to do that from your heart, instead of your ego.

There is a very large vibrational difference between pushing yourself and choosing yourself.

We think pushing ourselves is choosing ourselves, but it’s really resisting your natural flow. Let me give an example:

When I was in my twenties I decided that I was going to challenge myself to eat no meat for a year. For me, it had nothing to do with health, it had nothing to do with the animals, and it was purely on the basis that I wanted to push the boundaries within myself and see how much I could withstand and overcome.

I actually told myself, “If I can do this, I can do anything.”

Sound familiar?

So in essence, I was saying to myself, “How long can I make myself do something I don’t want to do?”

This is what a challenge is – forcing ourselves to do things we do.not.want.to.do.

That’s a bit silly, isn’t it?

So for a year, I was disciplined in this challenge, yet every day I dreamt of hot dogs and steaks and drooled over my friend’s meals when they ordered meat at lunch. I looked for ways to curb my cravings, like with vegan substitutes, and overindulged in other things to satisfy me.

When I neared my one-year mark, I counted down the days, and almost down to the hour of completion, I ate a ton of meat.

The happiest I was in that entire last year was when I finally ate a plate of meat. However, after doing so, it took my body an entire month to adjust to the extreme shift in hormone levels after depriving myself for so long, and then over-indulging in one sitting.

I lost ten pounds from the stomachaches, I got severe acne from the hormone imbalance, and to be honest, I realized I got nothing out of the challenge.

The only thing I learned was that I could do it. I was really good at forcing myself to do something I didn’t like.

It didn’t bring me joy, it didn’t make me a better person. All it did, because I do believe everything serves a purpose, is showing me how much I get in my own way.

This is why I say pushing yourself is a function of the ego.

If I was to have chosen myself, I would have honored what my body needed – I would have decided to eat meat. I would instead, nurture the part of me that felt the need to challenge myself and come to terms with my fears regarding failure, and my fears regarding not accomplishing something.

Because these are conditionings that the ego tries to sustain and keep alive, so the ego can stay in the driver’s seat.

The goal is not to kill the ego, again another conditioning picked up by many in the healing space. It is to create a BALANCE of head and heart, where the relationship changes to the heart in the driver’s seat and the ego takes the backseat – your heart decides when it chimes in.

As long as you are living in a human body, the ego will always be present, learn to create a relationship with it, and come to terms with its presence, instead of pushing it out of the car.

So I am going to challenge you to switch out words, in order to shift the vibration from head to heart.

First, “I choose myself,” instead of “I challenge/push myself.”

The next, which goes hand in hand with the phrases above, is the misconception surrounding motivation.

Motivation, which by definition is “the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way,” is a logical reason to do something. Essentially, you are choosing something directly based on your ego.

Inspiration carries the vibration of the heart. And it is the only thing that will actually initiate true change – motivation does not have this capacity.

If you continue to function in a way where you rely on motivation instead of inspiration, you will stay on a hamster wheel of unfulfillment.

At last, we come to the ever-so-popular word, discipline. What’s funny about this is, we have the courage to stop others from disciplining us but don’t see how much we discipline ourselves.

In the healing space, and most notably the professional development space, this is a buzzword. It’s all about self-discipline, keeping your ass in check.

Do you know what the actual definition of discipline is?

“The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.”

We quite literally, are obsessed with punishing ourselves. This, again, is conditioning.

Instead of disciplining yourself, transition to a perception of discernment.

Its definition is, “the ability to judge well.”

Can you feel the vibrational difference here?

Instead of forcing yourself into societal boxes, ask yourself what’s right for you, ask yourself if this box is worthy of your presence.

DISCERNING what is right for you is more powerful than any act of discipline, because it is the decision from the heart, and it is decided in full faith, which means, YOU are creating what your world looks like, not forcing yourself into another.

This will move you from a state of disempowerment to a state of empowerment.

If you resonate with these word transitions, try the following mantra with me:

 

I will always choose myself, even if it means dialing back instead of adding on.

I will seek inspiration because the path to things I truly align with is not one of suffering.

I will practice the art of discernment because I am ready to create my own path instead of settling for the ones laid before me.

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Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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In For Parents The Conscious Parent The Nontraditional Parent · February 16, 2022

How to Co-Parent with Your Ex

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Read Time:5 Minute, 56 Second

Okay, I’ll be the one to say it – co-parenting sucks.

When we bring children into the world, the last thing we want to do is make life harder for them by splitting it in half. Being a kid is already complex and confusing, and now we are asking them to be in two places constantly.

For me, this realization came so early on in my marriage, and I had to accept that my son would only know us as co-parents without knowing what it was like to have parents together.

According to the World Population Review, 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Now that we got that pity part out of the way let’s get to the silver lining of it all: Life continues, and it’s still beautiful.

Blogger Brandon Gaille shares, “1 out of every 3 Americans is either a step-parent, a step-child, or has some other form of a blended family in some way, which means almost 100 million people.”

Though most of us subconsciously carry the ideals instilled in us over centuries that marriage is for life (Seriously, what the heck Disney), blended families are actually the norm.

So why is co-parenting with an ex so difficult? Because we are still learning how to thrive in this new norm actively! as I have said many times before, humans aren’t so great with change.

Conscious parents are leading the pack here and are building pathways for others to learn how to expand their relationship with their ex-partner and allow their children to see love is possible – even in platonic circumstances.

So let’s get into the nitty-gritty. Here’s how to evolve your co-parenting dynamic from the bane of your existence to something you’ll be proud of:

  1. Accept the situation and your ex-partner

I went down a very long rabbit hole of resistance. When I separated from my husband, my son was only four months old. I wasn’t even ready to parent, let alone be a single mom. I was not willing to be okay with the fact that everything I ever imagined for myself and my kids was shattered overnight. I couldn’t bear the feeling of failure.

I spent nights almost irrationally thinking of ways not to be a single mom; I even tried to reconcile with my ex-husband or suggested dynamics that were not comfortable for him. In hindsight, these were not attempts to co-parent but attempts to hold a reality that was not real.

I had to surrender.

I cried it out, went to therapy, and wrote letters to myself and my ex-partner, so I could surrender to the life I had in front of me without resenting and without judgment on myself or him.

To create a conscious co-parenting relationship, You need a clean slate.

That means that, even if your ex-partner is a narcissist who you’d low-key like to smother at night with his pillow, you have got to let it go.

Just like any relationship, if we hold onto things from the past, we are taking away the ability to trust and create a trusting and transparent relationship moving forward.

It can be scary to do this, but sometimes the decisions that scare you are the most worthwhile ones.

  1. Reframe your perception of what co-parenting is

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but being together or separated with kids is essentially the same relationship – sans intimacy.

One of the most common things I see when two people divorce is that they create entirely independent lives and then wonder why they feel stressed when attempting to create a schedule with their co-partner. This strain also translates to the children – If you are exhausted with your co-parenting dynamic, I guarantee you so are your children.

Blended families are successful when both parents come together to create a unified life where all parties feel they are getting what they need. This can look like the following ways:

  • Considering more blended weekly schedules: Allowing a parent to do after-school duty while the other works, split weeks between each parent instead of every other.
  • Spending holidays and birthdays together
  • Scheduling miscellaneous dinners, lunches, or activities with both parents (and step-parents if everyone is in good standing)
  • Allowing your child to see the other parent if they request it, even if it’s out of your set schedule
  • Going on family trips/vacations together

Sometimes, parents don’t get along well enough to do some of these things, so also consider doing these things with family members that you do have a good relationship with, such as your partner’s parents or siblings. This keeps a sense of unity for the kids and creates a sense of safety that they never have to pick between either side of relatives.

  1. Create a system that works best for your blended family

Communication in a co-parenting relationship is crucial. You must be able to express and agree on your must-haves and deal breakers in the relationship. An example of this could be how you both decide to introduce new partners to your children.

My ex-partner and I have agreed that we are a family unit regardless of relationship status. Our weekly schedule is blended, and all holidays and birthdays are spent together. We also have spontaneous outings with the children and expect to continue when new partners are introduced because we are all (new partners included) raising these children together. Any partners that come into the mix will have to accept us as a package deal because this relationship is the foundation of our lives.

Let’s be honest – we didn’t get here overnight. It took a lot of self-work to get there. It took removing our emotions from every decision because it is always in the children’s best interest.

When you can make decisions from an objective standpoint, you’ll find that you are more on the same page than you think.

If you and your ex-partner do not have the tools to communicate effectively and are ready to take steps to get there, consider third-party assistance.

People are always willing to go to couples therapy to repair the marriage but don’t necessarily consider improving a relationship that has now evolved. Because divorce isn’t an ending when there are children, it’s a transition.

There are so many options now, from divorce coaches to co-parenting consultants, to traditional couple’s therapists – take the time to do your research and find an option that works best for your blended family.

Sometimes both parents aren’t ready to evolve to these levels – and that’s okay. All you can do is control your decisions, and maybe the only step you take today is to share this article with them so they can understand that life can be different.

It doesn’t matter how small the step; every step moves you forward – keep going.

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Krystal Martinez

Krystal is a writer and content creator for The Unconventional Mom. As a healer and spiritual teacher, she uses her knowledge of self to curate messages focused on the sovereign state. Krystal is also mother to a toddler, and a freelance writer for various brands and businesses.
support@theumom.com
http://theumom.com
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“A Butterfly In Passing,” by me 😉 “A Butterfly In Passing,” by me 😉
For some people family comes first, but not everyo For some people family comes first, but not everyone. Sometimes family is abusive. Sometimes they’re are toxic, or sometimes they simply don’t choose us. You are not obligated to put people first that hurt you or are bad for your mental health. Let’s normalize putting people first who make us feel safe - and that includes ourselves. Choose yourself by creating safe space for yourself, first, and then prioritize your relationships with that in mind- you’re worth it 💖

Follow for more @the_u_mom ✨
For some people family comes first, but not everyo For some people family comes first, but not everyone. Sometimes family is abusive. Sometimes they’re are toxic, or sometimes they simply don’t choose us. You are not obligated to put people first that hurt you or are bad for your mental health. Let’s normalize putting people first who make us feel safe - and that includes ourselves. Choose yourself by creating safe space for yourself, first, and then prioritize your relationships with that in mind- you’re worth it 💖

-The Unconventional Mom✨
I think everyone, at some point in their life, rom I think everyone, at some point in their life, romantic or platonic, has experienced this. We have had fathers leave us as young children, and mothers who are right in front of us but have mentally checked out. We’ve fallen in love with people who decided they didn’t love us back or had siblings that we poured our love into and it has never been reciprocated.

Let’s talk about why — link in bio!

- The Unconventional Mom✨
Felt called to share this one ✨❤️‍🔥 Felt called to share this one ✨❤️‍🔥
Yep — I’m talking to you!! My people who gras Yep — I’m talking to you!!

My people who grasp onto to daily schedules and goals and value self discipline, I am talking to you.

Let’s dive in to what it actually means to push yourself, and how you can shift that to a more aligned experience.

Click the link in our bio, or find the article in our “Article” highlight!

-The Unconventional Mom✨
Kids decide how they see themselves based on what Kids decide how they see themselves based on what they are seeing and experiencing in their family dynamics.

I love the videos of parents having their kids do affirmations in the mirror, but how many parents are actually doing them daily on their own? This is what your kids are actually absorbing.

We put so much focus on “teaching” our kids directly when the way they learn is by watching.

Instead focus on loving YOURSELF, so your child witnesses what it looks like to love yourself and choose yourself. What it looks like to have self love and empathy.

Talk about how you feel in front of your kids, like how grateful you are for tonight’s dinner and how much you love pasta.

Look at your curves and rolls in the mirror while you’re getting ready and say out loud in front of your kids and tell them how much you love your body and your outfit.

Show your kids how you work to better yourself everyday, and this will be your child’s natural instinct.

They will naturally do all these things with no direct lesson from you.

EMBODY the person you want your child to be.

Follow for more @the_u_mom ✨
Let’s talk JOY, baby. Click the link in our bio Let’s talk JOY, baby. Click the link in our bio our in our article highlights to get the scoop ❤️‍🔥

-The Unconventional Mom✨

#creating #creation #creatingjoy #sparkingjoy #consciousliving #consciousparent #consciouswriting #consciouswriter #freelancelife #freelancewriter #blogger #lifestyleblog #lifestylebloggers
Life is LONG when you choose to fully live in the Life is LONG when you choose to fully live in the PRESENT moment. When you relish in the seconds, time does something magical- it stretches and contracts. 

In this space you’ll see that life isn’t short, no in fact it gives you the time to be all the people you want to be.

I’m in my early 30s and I can tell you I have loved many lifetimes.

One where I travelled the world with friends in college.

Another where I worked in corporate, and another when I lost it all.

We are always putting pressure on ourselves to “get it right” but is there such a thing?

Live for who you want to be right NOW and you’ll see what you mean about time 💜🙃

-The Unconventional Mom✨

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