In this series, we will be covering common triggers that emerge in a parent/child dynamic and what those triggers are actually revealing so parents can take steps to heal the associated wounds.
What is a trigger? By definition, it is simply the CAUSE before effect. Just like stress can trigger a rash, your child can trigger an emotional response from you.
Now, if we stick to the stress rash analogy, we know that stress isn’t the root of the issue; something also triggered the stress. Let’s say you’re late completing a project at work, which has caused your stress levels to spike, resulting in a rash.
Most people would conclude that if you simply plan better with work projects, it will reduce your stress and therefore cure the rash.
But guess what, the next project comes, and the rash returns. This is because the ROOT pattern has not been addressed, and this is often a band-aid tactic we use when we learn our triggers.
You may be great at identifying your wounds, but it keeps you on a hamster wheel of trauma if you can’t heal them.
In part three of this series, we address the root pattern of Self Sabotage.
It is programming that holds hands with unworthiness. However, how it affects our relationships is a little bit different.
Self-sabotage is the act of self-torture or self-inflicted punishment.
It means you are the abuser and the abused.
Because we are playing both roles in this tango dance, it can cause a sense of whiplash or rollercoaster movement in all of your relationships. One moment you are flying high, perhaps a lovely gift enters your life, and yes, you enjoy it for a little while, and then the panic sets in, and well, that’s your cue to flip from roles.
Suddenly, you are doing everything in your power to destroy the blessing you had been given, even if that means obliterating everyone in the way.
Let’s breakdown the evolution that happens when we start in one role and end in the other:
The first reaction, which is the base of all trauma, is fear. When it comes to self-sabotage, this sense of fear is slow-burning; it’s not immediate fire alarms going off, but more like the low battery sound beeping every ten minutes until you do something about it.
When this caution sign goes up, ego takes full advantage and starts to create it’s perfectly chaotic narrative, that this slow burn gives time to lock-in. Perhaps the gift that entered was a partnership, and your ego’s narrative is that they are not up to par with you. You then lock-in
to the perception that dating this person would be a disservice to you, and maybe even to them, and then you devise a plan of action on how you will “exercise your voice,” which really means how you will shut them out.
This stage is vital because, without using discernment, it’s quite easy for you to slide into sabotaging, which is a point where it’s much harder to turn around. If you are someone who deeply identifies with self-sabotage programming, I implore you to stop here. Consider the narrative that the mind is creating and why you’ve decided at this point that there needs to be an immediate halt.
You are not saving yourself from anything when you stop a lesson halfway through; this is why self-sabotage is so cyclical, because you stop halfway, run back to the starting line, and start again, repeatedly.
So if you’ve gotten this far, the first step is to lean into the red flags and see what’s at the finish line. You have the free will to run the race again.
For this chronological breakdown, we’ll say you decided to jump ship, which means you have reached a decision to sabotage, or what I like to refer to as severing the potential timeline.
Mmmm. Let’s say that one again – sabotage is a severing of a potential timeline- the one where you learned the lesson.
Now, this can look a variety of different ways, depending on your survival mechanisms:
- Acting out, so the other person backs away instead of you
- Claim that you are advocating for yourself and it is a boundary decision
- Completely shutting down and shutting them out (ghosting, blocking)
How it could look in a parent/child dynamic:
- Extreme Mom guilt
- Choosing to spend less time with your child(ren), claiming it’s for your mental health but really a form of escape
- Choosing to be SAHM when you don’t want to be
After successfully severing your potential timeline, it means you have diverted and therefore forged another path – and this one is longer and more complex. This is the stage where guilt and depression set in – you feel the consequences of that severing, and your soul has recognized that you have decided on a longer path to the lesson. Of course, these feelings at the moment appear more surface-level; you convince yourself that your decision was in your best interest, blah blah blah. But at the core – this is really the root of your depression and disappointment- the setting in that you are your own abuser.
At the end of this plummeting dive down the sad and resentful rabbit hole, you decide there’s no going back now, and you must protect and respect the decision you’ve chosen. You pick your head up and move on, only to prepare yourself to do it all over again.
What Self Sabotage can feel like in the body:
- Brain fog
- Scattered thoughts/body movement
- Use of addictives remedies (herbal, drugs, and alcohol)
Now that you’ve bared the brunt of this beating, it’s time to give you a warm hug. I am here to tell you that you can stop this – you can stop escaping what could be, and that’s by accepting what is.
Accept it all – even when there is fear present, we move forward anyway.
Let go of your loyalty and commitment to the word failure – failure is not a destination, and you cannot be dumped there.
It’s time to stop playing both roles in the tango dance; you are so tired. Trust in the process and allow yourself to be led by your God-self. Let the divine take the wheel and enjoy the dance.
Take a deep breath, and affirm the following mantra with me:
I am ready to release control
I understand that the only way out is through
I am strong enough to face my darkness
Because my light will outshine my old views
If you enjoyed part three of this series, please stay tuned for the five more installments. To stay up to date on our articles, subscribe here to receive our weekly round-up.