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People say that your friends drop like flies when you enter motherhood, and it’s true – not just because your friends fall away, but you decide it’s time to move on too.
Yes, it’s a given that we grow out of certain friendships, and yes, you’ll make new ones, but sometimes these people aren’t replaceable; sometimes, they are your people.
When you reach a level of adulthood where friendships are more profound, the fallout can be more painful than we anticipated. It is the grief you didn’t see coming.
As someone who experienced a lot of loss in her life, death became less intimidating, yet breakups seemed to be traumatic – We are still alive and have another chance; why can’t we settle our difference and choose this friendship?
That’s not how life goes.
Friendships like this are mirrors for us, they are a direct reflection of something we have yet to acknowledge, and that’s letting go.
Letting go doesn’t mean shutting everyone out. It doesn’t mean cutting people off from a place of hurt or rejection.
It’s not saying, “this friend doesn’t get me, and I’m better off without them.”
It’s not victimizing yourself by saying, “I don’t deserve this,” when they decide to leave your life.
What’s being illuminated is not the release of the person themselves, but the attachment to the person, the attachment to the relationship and what it does for you, and the attachment to the outcome.
These lessons are never really about external forces, it’s always about an internal conversation and how we decide to choose what we want for ourselves when it comes to relationships.
Here’s what I learned about friendships along the way:
It’s Never Personal
Even if there was a falling out, things got nasty, and tensions were high – the break-up is not personal. One of the things I needed to make a natural response was allowing people to leave when they wanted to because it’s never about my worth or what I can or can’t bring to the table as a friend. Sometimes it can be as small as timing, and when you are in two different life stages, like being a mom and being a singleton, it can really cause a dissonance that is hard to ignore.
The reality is that we are changing all the time, but not everyone is growing. Sometimes we jog together for miles, and sometimes some of us fall behind and decide to call it right then and there. Others catch their breath and make their way up, and some sprint the whole way.
Especially if you still have friends from high school or younger, you are bound to have one or two take a sharp left, because neither of you had come into your own yet to realize you aren’t actually a good match.
Whether they stick around or not, or it’s you that calls it quits, what they choose is not your problem.
It Can Be A Blessing In Disguise
Even when we subconsciously know it’s time to walk away from a friendship, we will stay because both people just love too much. How I see it is this: You are back to back with a rope tied at your waists, and when you walk forward, you’re keeping each other in the same spot.
Even though you love them, you could be holding them back from greater things and vice versa.
Comfort is where dreams go to die! And as scary as it is to let go of their hands, you’ll be happy that you did.
It’s hard to accept when people are better off without you, but that means they are not for you in this season of life, and you will attract the ones who are.
Occasionally, They Circle Back
This is what I call zero point – the moment where you let everything go, only so you can have it all.
Many people are afraid to make it to this point – to walk the lone road, to experience the dark night of the soul.
It takes courage to get here – it takes balls.
It requires you to not only detach yourself from people, experiences, and outcomes but demands total acceptance of that detachment.
You can’t let it all go and judge others who have not – This is an honoring of yourself and others. Only then can you walk the lone path with enough stamina to keep going, with enough faith to feed your starving soul, because the only person that can feed it is yourself.
Here in this total exaltation, gifts float in like tiny presents descending with parachutes, all the things you wanted but no longer need.
And sometimes, the universe will surprise you with the very people you never thought you’d connect with again, this time at a deeper level, and in alignment for both of you.
It’s very true and I’ve come across this in my life before. Very insightful
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